Boomer Jokes - Page 2

Boomer Jokes - Page 1

Boomer jokes, old age jokes, senior citizen jokes, or whatever you want to call them, they are funny! These are some of the funniest I have found. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Concerns for Baby Boomers - Then and Now

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: You're growing pot
Now: You're growing a pot

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

Then: Paar
Now: AARP

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

The New Alphabet (age-adjusted)

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A is for arthritis; B is the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescription's, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!.

44 Lessons Life Taught Me

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 44 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't mess up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?"
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.